Archive for September, 2009

BLACK MAN RAGE – “WHAT DA PROBLEM IS?” #1

[Ed. note: new feature where I bitch about something something.]

Oh, Ye, you incorrigible gay fish.

The innocuous event that even shut-in hermits with no access to fresh water have heard about is exploding all over the news and internet. Kanye felt it absolutely necessary to let the world know that Beyonce’s video was “totes” better than Swift’s video, which was so brave and courageous (He did it on stage! In front of tweens! You know how hard they are to please! Especially without Auto-tune!) that it earned him the Prestigious Presidential award of “Jackass of the Generation of this Decade.”

Of course, as the title of the feature suggests, I’m here to tell you the REAL reason people are raging, gossiping, and talking about this more than, let’s say, health care-something-or-other. It’s not about the interruption, the public perception of out-of-control celebrity rage, or Kanye’s batshit-insanity (look at his fucking hair! Clearly, the guy needs psychiatric help). No, dear readers. I’ll tell you what this is about.

No one knows what the hell West was talking about.

The tirade comes during a bizarre celebration of some sort of archaic nonsense so irrelevant that even its mere presence is kind of a scientific anomaly (but by no means proof of God’s existence; it somehow even discredits it). I’m not even sure what those colored, interlaced lines represent in that exact sequence. MTV’S VMA Awards? What’s an MTV? What the hell are VMAs? What do MTV and VMAs have to do with each other? And we’re awarding this? Can I get one?

And during this hodgepodge of teenage delight (not of the pre-marital kind! That’s for our vampire frienemies), as Taylor Swift received her statuette (for, I assume, having a last name that’s synonymous with “quick” or “David the Gnome’s getaway animal”), Ye proceeds to hop on stage and sprout a series of words that, while individually make sense, collectively sound like the insane ramblings of a Vietnam vet who really didn’t go to Vietnam but just has schizophrenia and pines for a magical, bizarre world of these, I assume, psychotic visions of hallucinations referred to as “music videos”. Buh? THIS IS CRAZY TALK.

Kanye might as well have interrupted the TEEN TALK TBH AWARD show, where TBH stands for absolutely nothing that anyone actually knows or particularly cares about, and screamed “I’m gonna let ya finish yo’ thing, but that sperm waster chick over there has one of the hottest widgets this side of Pleasantville.” Utter nonsense. We’re still trying to figure out WHAT IT ALL MEANS in the greater sense of things. Beyonce’s video? You mean one of her home videos? Did she release a porn video? Is video some feminist term meaning “aura”?

But, fuck it. Let’s swallow the Adderall and pretend for a second we all know what a VMA is and spent the man-hours watching them. Which one would indeed be the better one? Well, I’ll be the decider here, and ultimately determine which video is indeed the “hottest”.

Taylor Swift – “You Belong to Me”

Oh, nerd girl, you’ll never get the guy unless you take off your glasses. Nothing kills a boner faster than eyewear. I can imagine that conversation.

Guy: Hey, baby, how abut we—“OH GOD WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR FACE, A DEADLY SPIDER?”

Girl: They’re my glasses.

Guy: *PUKES*

That, by the way, takes place over window-tag via shapies and notebooks. Instant messenger just lacks the “shitty handwriting” authenticity and love. And PHONE CALLS? FUCK THAT.

As for the song? Meh. I probably could play that guitar rift, and I don’t know the difference between a guitar and a latte. (I will give props to the fact that the music actually relates to the video. I’ve never seen that happen before, ever.)

Beyonce – “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)”

Ooh, yeah! 90s dance routines with 2000 editing techniques! It’s as if the intro to In Living Color was in black and white (the goddamn irony!) and shot by the Saw director(s). And what shitty, shitty choreography. Usher, show her how it’s done, please.

….

What, you played out, too? Damn.

As for the song? Meh. I guess the single ladies like it. Was this the song Stephanine Meyer was listening too before she envisioned celibate vampires? No, it was Muse, but I’d like to think she’s all about interracial musical tastes.

So, which music video is the better of the two? The answer may surprise you.

Beastie Boys – “Sabotage”

This was, is, and will be the best music video ever made, ever.

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A Journey Into Obscurity – Documentary Edition

Rollin', rollin', rollin' down the river.

Rollin', rollin', rollin' down the river.

[Welcome readers! A friend of mine, Mr. Brown, has provided an good article on the art of the documentary and recommends four of his favorites. Check it out, and let me and him know what you think. And get yo’ learn on and take a gander at these and any other docs you can get your hands on. I recommend an excellent one, The Thin Blue Line, by Errol Morris.]

When you hear the word “movie”, what do you think of? I’m betting most people begin to conjure up images of large Hollywood sets, sound stages, A-List actors and actresses, and all the trappings that accompany large scale, big budget films. While these films have a definite and undeniable place in today’s mainstream media, there is another type of film that goes largely unnoticed and unwatched. I speak of course of the documentary. The origin of the doc coincides with the origin of film itself. It is an integral and absolutely fascinating area of narrative cinema that is far too often overlooked for one reason or another. Admittedly, some docs do harbour some serious bias (*cough* Michael Moore), but they also offer us a venue to examine the world in which we live, other people and cultures, and even ourselves. What style of filmmaking could combine the long held human tradition of narrative storytelling, with real life situations and people more effectively and elegantly than the documentary? So, let’s put down our copies of Transformers or Spiderman 3 – at least for the time being – and instead submit ourselves to some obscurity.

Here are four documentaries, ones that represent a wide variety stories and people, that I urge each of you reading this blog to watch…

1. Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father (2008)
Director: Kurt Kuenne
Writer: Kurt Kuenne

In 2001, Andrew Bagby, a medical resident, is murdered not long after breaking up with his girlfriend. Soon after, when she announces she’s pregnant, one of Andrew’s many close friends, Kurt Kuenne, begins this film as a gift to the child. Friends, relatives, and colleagues say warm and loving things about Andrew; home movies confirm his exuberance. Andrew’s parents, Kathleen and David, move to Labrador where the ex-girlfriend has gone. They await an arrest and trial of the murderer. They negotiate with the ex-girlfriend to visit their grandchild, Zachary, and they seek custody. Is there any justice; is Zachery a sweet and innocent consolation for the loss of their son?

PERSONAL THOUGHTS: This film is one of the most heart wrenching, and infuriating stories I have ever came across in my life. Had this been a Hollywood flick it still would have been jarring, but the fact that it’s real will make you want to pound your fists and tear out you hair by the end of it. And without giving too much away, it slams you with one of the most shocking twists I’ve ever seen in a film, doc or otherwise.

Trailer

2. Baraka (1992)
Director: Ron Fricke
Writers: Constantine Nicholas, Genevieve Nicholas

Without words, cameras show us the world, with an emphasis not on “where,” but on “what’s there.” This documentary begins with shots of the morning, the natural landscapes and the people at prayer: volcanoes, water falls, velds, and forests; several hundred monks perform a monkey chant. Indigenous peoples apply body paint; whole villages dance. The film then moves to destruction of nature via logging, blasting, and strip mining. Images of poverty, rapid urban life, and factories give way to war, concentration camps, and mass graves. Ancient ruins come into view, and then a sacred river where pilgrims bathe and funeral pyres burn. Prayer and nature return. A monk rings a huge bell; stars wheel across the sky.

PERSONAL THOUGHTS: Simply put, this film is beautiful. It is known as a “pure cinema” film: while having no conventional plot and no script, and using only photography, it manages to tell a story using real people and locations. Baraka will undoubtedly make you see the world in a new, reverent light. It needs no words nor fancy tricks to enrich its presence. The juxtaposing imagery of traditional tribes and cultures with that of the industrialized, fast paced modern world is nothing short of extraordinary. If one could qualify something as being “spiritual”, whatever that may mean, then this film has it in spades. Watch it and it will stick with you long after.

Trailer

3. The Fog of War (2003)
Director: Errol Morris

Robert S. McNamara discusses his experiences and lessons learned during his tenure as Secretary of Defense under John Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson. He talks about his work as a bombing statistician during World War II, his brief tenure as president of Ford Motor Company, his 13 years at the World Bank and the Kennedy administration’s triumph during the Cuban Missile Crisis. However, the film focuses primarily on his failures in Vietnam. The theme of the film are his “eleven lessons” learned during this time. Some of these include improving military efficiency, understanding your enemy, and the frustrations of trying to deal with (and unsuccessfully trying to change) human nature.

PERSONAL THOUGHTS: An extremely dense yet infinitely thought provoking film. Through the weaving, thoughtful, and deeply insightful narration by Mr. McNamara, one can truly see how complex and overwhelming of a machine war is. The eleven lessons contained in the film are at once sharp as they are philosophical. Make no mistake, this is not a film for political science enthusiasts only. It makes some interesting and bold statements about war and the very nature of humanity. Also, the score by Philip Glass is pretty stellar.

Trailer

4. Up the Yangtze (2007)
Director: Yung Chang
Writer: Yung Chang

A luxury cruise boat motors up the Yangtze – navigating the mythic waterway known in China simply as “The River.” The Yangtze is about to be transformed by the biggest hydroelectric dam in history. At the river’s edge, a young woman says goodbye to her family as the floodwaters rise towards their small homestead. The Three Gorges Dam – contested symbol of the Chinese economic miracle – provides the epic backdrop for Up the Yangtze, a dramatic feature documentary on life inside modern China.

PERSONAL THOUGHTS: I had originally heard about this film during a documentary class at film school in Vancouver, but I had wrongly neglected to watch it until recently. I suspected a kind of “by the numbers” look at the modern day economic giant that is China. Instead I was treated to an extremely intimate and rare glimpse into a culture caught in a monumental struggle of tradition versus progress. Despite it being completely non fictional, there are several individuals that emerge out of this film as true characters, the likes of which great modern screenwriters may have crafted. While the film doesn’t go into any great detail about the Three Gorges Dam project –the effects on the ecosystem, the costs, etc.– it succeeds greatly in showing the personal stories and sacrifices Chinese families and individuals have to make in order to fuel their nations enormous leap to the forefront of the 21st century. This film is a testament to what you can do with a camera, a small budget, and the people willing to share their stories.

Trailer

Well there you have it. Four fantastic films, all of which I hope spark your interest. The documentary genre is  an amazing, fascinating, and underrated genre; one that should be approached with curiosity and an open mind. There’s always a true, incredible story waiting to be told.

Happy viewing!

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CHILDHOOD REVISITED – SUPER MARIO BROS.

You know a movie sucks when they didn't even bother to edit out any WTC scenes.

You know a movie sucks when they didn't even bother to edit out any WTC scenes.

Super Mario Bros. – (1993)

Director: Annabel Jankel, Rocky Morton [Roland Joffe and Dean Semier, uncredited]
Starring: Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Samantha Mathis
Screenplay by: Parker Bennett, Terry Runte, Ed Solomon

So, if you look over there in my list of links, you may notice that there’s a little fan project I’m working on. Super Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog. Together. Think this and this, but what people would actually like to see.

Of course, then, I have a lot to say about this so-called film. The stories that emerge from the making of this film are staggering. Hoskins and Leguizamo were drunk for most of the film. The directors and studios clashed over whether to make it more “adult” or keep it a children’s film, ultimately making a hodgepodge of a mess. Working with the directors was apparently excruciating, with random re-writes of the script every day; there were so many that the actors ended up ignoring them. So, it’s easy to see how horribly it did at the box office; fans hated it, regular audience members hated it, and Nintendo vowed never to enter the movie business ever again. (Oddly enough, Miyamoto claimed to have enjoyed it.)

Since I’ve been doing a ton of research on Super Mario for that project, I have a small jump on how and why the writers did what they did; the movie itself, I can’t excuse. I can say right now that it doesn’t hold up. The question is, how bad?

NOSTALGIC LENS: I know that as much as this hates on the film, it’s not that bad. But it’s pretty close. I know that I convinced myself that the movie was good – I remember distinctly dancing to the theme music as it plays during the intro – but it took some seven-to-ten years to finally acknowledge that, no, I did not like this movie at all. With no distinct visual reference to the game, how could I? At least the title designed in chrome lettering was cool.

DOES IT HOLD UP: You know what? If you were to remove every single thing that’s supposed to be Super Mario Brothers related and replace it with original characters/concepts, you’d have a cheesy, ridiculous, so-bad-it’s-awesome sci-fi flick that resembles The Fifth Element or Event Horizon.

I had a treat while watching this on Friday—my nieces watched it along with me! They, being owners of Wii’s and DS’s, proceeded to ask me a ton of questions about the Super Mario fandom, and, as a nerd, I proceeded to answer them. I told them the story of the Great Princess Toadstool/Daisy/Peach confusion of the mid-90s, the Toad/Yoshi debacle, the King Koopa/Bowser debates… and they surprisingly ate it up.

Yes, I have a lot of knowledge of the Super Mario canon. So, in the 90s, with a lack of special effects, at the very least I’ll commend the writers for trying their damnest to keep at least some the SMB world in tact (they even seemed to crib a teeny bit of information from the short-lived Valiant comic run, I believe). But of course, I won’t excuse the pathetic final product, the blame of which mainly fall on the directors. Here, it seems the studio meddling actually tried a good thing.

Mario and Luigi are our plumber heroes screwed out of work by their corporate, mob-tied rival, the Scapelli Company. However, Luigi meets Daisy, an archeologist digging for fossils, which lightens the mood. After dinner, they, like all couples do after dinner, explore the skanky cave at the fossil site, where a lot of stuff happens that’s irrelevant. But Daisy is kidnapped and the Mario Bros. chase her into the “alternate dimension” where evolved dinosaurs rule, all under the despot King Koopa.

The movie’s main problem? Over-exposition. It’s terrible. It’s probably the worse exposition I’ve ever seen on celluloid. Check out this scene where King Koopa explains the entire plot in one go, starting at 3:58:

What in god’s name did King Koopa put his hands in? McDonald’s French Fries grease?

SMB fans understandably hated it, which were mostly kids. Look at any Super Mario video game, and then look at this movie. The instant hate is palpable. What about everyone else (the parents), though? Well, with the goofy animated intro, the moronic Koopa cousins Spike and Iggy, and asinine set design (which, by the way, looks like a cross between rejected Blade Runner sets and the crappy locations out of The Wiz), I suspect they just rolled their eyes and hoped at the very least their children were liking it; however, they WERE NOT.

And yet…

With fifteen years of general recovery behind me, I’ll have to admit that I kind of dug this movie, sans my fanboyism. As much as Hoskins and Leguizamo hated their position, I have to admit they still tried their best, with Bob nailing a slightly grizzled yet knowledgeable plumber, and John, although goofy and annoying, still managing to not want me to kill myself. Samantha Mathais, however, is still the worthless blank slate she’s always been (I cannot believe that she was popular at some point). But Dennis Hopper is surprisingly gold. Given that his dialogue is generally shit, he delivers it as best he can, with his most primal lines being anything about killing people. Because, hell, the real Bowser would have no qualms about killing people, so, neither does Hopper.

(I should also note that the models of the various creatures are pretty nice. The Goombas aren’t excellent, although they move well, but Yoshi is particularly well done, animated with a nice, seamless blend of animatronic and CGI. Thank you, Jurassic Park; it seems we nowadays have forgotten what you taught us.)

But imagine my surprise when I found myself really enjoying the final conflict between King Koopa and Mario at the end.

There’s no reason for Mario to go up against Bowser after he knocks the jewel out his mouth. But he does. Why? Because he’s MARIO.

I joke, but in an odd way, it’s telling that, even in the midst of an obvious disaster waiting to happen, that at the very least the writers and the actors (minus Mathais) were still trying at some level to present something watchable. So seeing King Koopa and Mario duke it out (sort of) draws a decent level of something that kind of, in part, resembles a facsimile of an iota of an idea that you may or may not see in the video game.

IN A NUTSHELL: Don’t get me wrong, now. It’s still a crappy movie, but at the same time, there’s a lot here that can be enjoyed, I suppose. If you were to tell me you hated it, I’d completely understand. But if you’re the kind of person that enjoys the sleezy action from sci-fi, B-movies, then simply replace the names Mario, Luigi, Koopa, Toad, and Daisy with Paul, John, Ringo, George, and Yoko. Hell, they already introduced a number of random characters like Daniella, Lena, and Scapelli. (Couldn’t one of them at least be named Pauline?)

September 21th: Who Framed Roger Rabbit
September 28th: Robin Hood

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